So here’s a thing about people, be it your family, friends or colleagues. Every single one of them have a suggestion for you, things you need to change.
Say for example, you don’t like hurting people by saying no to their request. And you end up doing things you don’t like, going to places you don’t wanna go.
Now, your close and concerned friend will tell, dude grow up… learn to say no. Do what you like.
It takes some time but you starts to get it, and starts practicing it.
Now, the same friend comes to you asking for a something you totally detest but used to agree to do before. Now when you deny (After this person’s suggestion) you are changed. You are not the same friends as you used to be.
Don’t get me started on the relatives now ….
So effectively the conclusion is … You can’t escape it. You were born doomed ….
I am sure most of you would have heard this story when you were kids. Still to wipe the corrosion off the junk … here it is again …
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
If I would have been in place of Lord(which happens to be my nick too)… the conversation would have been more like this …
Woodcutter : Boo hoo hoo … my axe is gone … boo hoo hoo
Lord (that would be me) : What happened my son ? why are you crying ?
Woodcutter : Blah blah blah ! I was cutting wood, (more blah) dropped my axe in the river. Boo hoo hoo ….
Lord : WTF !! seriously ? Are you really that stupid ?
Woodcutter : (surprised look on his face)
Lord : Seriously dude ? Out of all the trees in the jungle you chose the one which is beside the river. And you chose that branch which was just above the deepest part of the fricking river.
How were you planning to take those branches back home, huh Einstein ? I mean come on … this wood is all wet and weak … A liter of patrol wont be able to burn it.
You know what! You are the biggest moron on the face of earth, no wonder you are poor.
Woodcutter : (f**ked expression on face)
Lord : Don’t give me that look knuckle head … I was in the middle of some thing Godly ! The heaven was so close and then you just blew it up … you know it take many human-years to built mood for me. Aaarrrgghh !!
Evidently, you are a big failure as woodcutter, it’s too demanding job for your microscopic brain, isn’t it ? There’s only one job left for you to do, go enroll for an MBA. Managerial job is the only one you’ll be successful at. And you’ve got right skills for it … don’t you.
loosing your axe, because of your stupidity … and now asking me (engineer) to fix it for you. And for what ? so that you can f**k this up again ….
now get out of my sight, before I shred you into pieces with my gold and silver axe…
Lord : (to self) Yeh … My axe collection is now complete with the final iron one … Now I’ll show menaka and ramabha … my AXE effect ….
PS: Back to blogging after a hiatus … feels good … had loads going on …
1. My uncle once: made me attend Asha Ram Bapu’s Pravachan, It turned out to be much painful then digging up the ground and hiding his body in the backyard ….
2. Never in my life: I’ve lied . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . After 4 pegs of Scotch.
3.When I was five: I used to believe kids are born when you marry a girl and hug her.
4.High School was: full of teenage stupidity, wish i’ve not been the sane one around.
5.I will never forget: the time I told some one that i bought chocolates for her, because they were lying in my house and I had to finish them …. aaargh …. isstoopid …
6.I once met: my doppelganger, later realized that I was drunk and was looking at a mirror.
7. There’s this girl I know who: is a big movie star, unfortunately she don’t know me 😦
8. Once, at a bar: i saw a guy with no hands drinking. Later I realized it was dark, he was black …. and I m racist 😀
9. By noon, I’m usually: in office, tweeting or writing such random posts.
10. Last night: will not be “last night” tomorrow.
11. If only I had: theaddress of stacy’s house ….
parental guidance adviced … 😉
12. Next time I go to the Temple: I promise not to steal shoes and sandals, unless of-course they are new and branded.
13. Rakhi Sawant: Is the best (RS) thing that has happened to the Indian Television since Ramanand Sagar.
14. What worries me most: is the condition of poor, hungry, and undernourished kids in Northern Africa and models in North America.
15. When I turn my head left, I see: a laptop, a desktop, a palmtop and a cyborg living in harmony.
16. When I turn my head right, I see: A so called white board, which has run out space to accumulate any more black, blue, green or red ink marks.
17. You know I’m lying when: when I can see the fan, without turning my head up.
18. What I miss most about the nineties: mile sur mera tumahra, was shorter and better.
19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: langada tyagi bahubali …. (Othello –> Omkaara 😀 )
20. By this time next year: I’ll be at the same place, writing same shit over and over again.
21. A better name for me would be: shri shri 1008 ankiteshwar maharaj
22. I have a hard time understanding: things I don’t really understand.
23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: beat up that fat bully from class 3rd and buy infinite many flag candies and won’t share it with any one.
24. You know I like you if: I try and ignore you or say stupid thing out of nervousness.
25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: the person who made sure Kanye West is not around.
26. Sachin Tendulkar, Mozart, Sonia Gandhi & Ronaldo: none of them, it has be Dada Kondake for making such master piece…
27.Take my advice, never: be a straight man in a gay world.
28. My ideal breakfast is: human brainz
29. A song I love, but do not own is: yaaron maine panga le liye – Altaf Raja
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: not to mention my current location to certain people
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: microchips with salsa sauce
33.If you spend the night at my house: you’ll be awarded with this …
34. I’d stop my wedding for: Any gal hotter than the one I would be marrying 😛
35. The world could do without: Gracy Singh, no no, not because she was the boring side kick in Munna bhai MBBS and Lagan or because she could only weep properly in her TV series Amanat. But coz of the mere fact that she couldn’t even come close to the awe-fucking-someness of Kamal khan in Deshdrohi …
36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: buying the ticket to watch “My Name is Khan”
37. My favorite blonde is: Blondes are dumb … i not like dumb … i favorite brunet … they have big B’s … brains i mean ee haa … !!
38: Paper clips are more useful than: The breaking news updates from India TV, Aaj tak and Star News combined.
39. If I do anything well, it’s: definitely not me…
40. And by the way: I’ve successfully wasted your 20 min. And you will never get it back …. and here i present you with my sadistic laughter muhahaha muhahaha !!
PS :—- yu ki note karne vaali baat yeh hai, ki maine un sabko tag kiya hai jinke comments mujhe history main dikhe … individual blog links search karna is such a pain 😀
After years of research, I’ve finally come up with the ultimate post of the decade which is so immensely powerful that It’s capable of getting attention of the prettier half of mankind (By that i mean Females my g33k friends). Well almost all of them. Here it goes…
Well this certainly is the topic I’ve always tried to avoid writing about… But after three Season’s of “30 Rock” and numerous youtube videos, I just couldn’t resist to confess my lurrrv for Tina Fey.
So don’t give me that title of yours “Lover of the elderly”… ( Yes! Saurabh this was for you )
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BTW its not the age, its the the mixture of intelligence, wit, nerdiness, sarcasm, enchanting smile or just the weird geeky attraction towards the female in “black plastic-rimmed glasses”. But it sure makes her a geek goddess ….
And, one more thing, I don’t like Megan Fox …
Here, I said it, the unspeakable. I’ve broke the foxy charm, she’s nothing but a man in female disguise … If u don’t believe me Google it….
PS : – And I am not being sarcastic.
PS : — For all the females out there waiting to catch this fish, here’s a tip … visit your optometrist… ASAP
PS : — A reminder, I was still serious about the thing for Tina Fey.
This blog has been hacked by a Smoking hot female writer.
From now on, the previous shit head writer will not be posting his stupid ideas on this space. Only the beautiful thoughts, sentimental poems, some recipes and random cute animal pictures will be posted here. Since every nut head cum geeky internet user has to comment on any random post written by a hot (enough to evaporate her sweat) girl, you are obliged to comment on this one too.
Sign –
A girl hotter than Sun’s surface,
(Which is around -15000000K)
Disclaimer: It’s not another lame attempt by a nerd trying to impersonate a hot (enough to burn Chuck Norris alive) girl, to increase the comment count of his blog.
If you think lines like “eh chalti kya”, “jhakaas maal”, “haai! Dil per churiyan chala di”, “palat” and cheap whistling will help you creep out the women and satisfy your sadistic needs … then you have reached the 90’s but you are definitely not prepared enough for the female of 21st century.
Here is the next chapter of … Eveteasersdaily #1 bestseller
How to be a successful 21st century Road side Romeo
For Dummies
Testimonial from Pups (formely – pappu katori)
– There was the time when mothers used to tell their daughters not to take tedi gali because that’s where pappu katori roam. I had the power to nauseate female from 15 to 50, oh! Those were the golden days. Well things changed and I kind of started losing my charm. Female were less afraid of me, they even stopped making disgusted faces on my comments. But I lost it when they started laughing calling me uncle. I went into depression; it took me 2 years and this awesome book to recover from there. And now I m back baby!! Better than before, now I know where I went wrong … all the hidden secrets of laundiyabaazi, oops sorry the art of eve teasing are here, in this one greatest ever book. There are thousands of humiliated people like me out there, who just can no longer stand the shame of not living up to the mark of our ancestors.
STEP 3: Body Language:
Yes! The body speaks, and much much louder than the (de)silencer of your bike.
Learn to pull your belly in and hold it right there … you don’t want to look like some uncle with tummy suspending out of the pant, do you?
Spread your chest holding the breath*, as wide as you can. Big hairy chest is an asset very few are blessed with. If you are the one exploit it as much as you can.
Make sure your hands do not touch your body while walking, keep your arms 4 inch away from torso and swing them mechanically synchronized with your legs. That’s how manly man walks.
Never sit on the rider’s seat while driving the bike, stretch your body move back as much as possible. It’s really important to give the sporty look, doesn’t matter if you have a third class 100 cc bike. And don’t worry about the back pain, u are not going to live long enough for that.
If you are in a restaurant, always … put your right leg on the couch or the chair, keep your right hand on it, and keep waving it while talking, don’t forget to eye the girl on the other table.
STEP 4: Mouth Language:
Expressing your evil intensions to the victim is not as easy as it may seem to others. It demands lot hard work and months of practice. Here, I’ll explain how to improve your language skills…
1. I would strongly suggest you to go through the Dictionary of RSR Words like “Dude”, ”Kool”, ”Hot”, “Chick”, “Man”, “Yo”, “sexy”, “babe”, are the keywords you have learn by heart.
Use random combinations of these words and viola, you are and English genius.
Example:
Yo dude, you chick look so hot.
Hey, sexy mama I m kool man.
The cool Daddy is here sexy hot babe.
2. Slangs are the soul of RSR language. As per the old legends, an RSR who fails to construct his sentence without even a single slang dies the death of a middle class government servant.
But times have changed … you are no more a sadak chaap mawaali you are well-versed RSR. So, no more maa-ki aur bhen-ki, go international crossing South Park, do it the gangsta style. Like: BEEP, BEEEEP, BEEPBEEP, BEEEEEEEEEEP, BEEEP, BEEP BEEP BEEP …
(Note: this portion has been censored to protect the innocence)
3. And if you are dumb (as in 95% of the cases), your cheap Chinese hyper loud mobile can come handy. Beware, don’t put cheap desi (read bhojpuri) songs like “hamka hau chaahi”, “meri chatari ke neeche aaja” “jaalidaar kurti” etc. Not because they are cheap and disgusting, coz that’s what you are, it’s just that these are uncool and surprisingly not irritating enough.
Reshamiya’s meticulously creepy melodies iced with his nasal effects are strongly recommended, it works like a charm.
That’s all for now my lovely dirty students, in the next session,
We’ll be learning the tricks and ways how to locate your prey,
And how to save your ass if it turns out to be gay .
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PS:- Took me just just 8 months and 9 days to write the sequel post to the other one.
If u have never heard about “Rakhi Sawant ka Swayamvar”, then please do me a favor and jump off the roof of your building. And if you are sleazy or lazy enough to not compile my request then you can read bout it here .
Once it so happened that I clicked on this youtube link which directed me to NDTV imagine’s youtube page, and I ended up watching all the RSS (read as rakhi sawant’s swayamvar) episode’s there and I am not ashamed of my deed.
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The show tells you about the Indian culture; how the princes from different states used to compete with each other to woo the princess with biggest Brr…. I mean Heart in the whole nation. Its like the mythological serial with modern character, “rakhi devi ko dekhte hi saath man bakti bhavna se oot prot ho jaata hai” something of that sort.
If that reason didn’t work for you … then think about this…
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The show is trying really hard to increase the awareness about a serious social issue, i.e. Female Infanticide. Seriously now you can clearly see how worse the conditions are in India when 16 (gabru naujawan) Handsome Hunks (all puns intended) has to contest with each other to marry … Rakhi … yes … the Rakhi Sawant. So, we should all watch the serial to promote such noble cause, devi Rakhi has come up with.
I hope you are convinced now…
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If still not, then please please please watch it for the poor aspiring actors (to be rakhi’s groom), they have sacrificed so much to come in limelight. I mean actually signed up to “might be lawfully wedded husband” of The Rakhi Sawant. They are either out of their mind or really really desperate.
I m really sympathetic to all of them … which so much capability and originality going without notice.
Some of my favorites, in increasing order of their “pwnaapa”
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Lurrrv Khanna: comparing Raki ji to sita mayyia … How original … so deep … heart pondering … hamana hamana hamana
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Man – moh- na tivaari :I just love this guy … giving amma ka kangan … *sob* *sob* kya senti shayari … more *sob* *sob*
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Ass-Win Chowdharee : “Oh maai gaad, amai-zzing … same color ” I m fan of his dialogue delivery. every time he say’s “amaizzing” a hot gal dies of the exposer to mere amazingness …
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Shit-is jain : I bow to thy awesomeness just love his expression at 0:35 of the video and the pose at 0:38 killer baap …
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Alright, that’s all I could do to persuade you … if you still feel like giving this show a skip… then read the PS….
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PS : The best thing about the show is, it proves why they call the TV an Idiot Box.
I was tagged by Karan and Ayesha, btw thanks a lot for the tag … one of the most fun tag I got to do in long time.
So, here goes …
Q: When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? A: If I were a woman, I’ll definitely marry this handsome … 😛
Q: How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? A: Rs. 2264.5
Q: What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? A: bhor भोर (morning)
Q: Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? A: some named 04066977450
Q: What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? A: Which ever freaks out my colleagues more.
Q: What are you wearing right now? A: Formal shirt, blue jeans, sport shoes, white vest, brown underwear and a grin on my face after grossing you out.
Q: Do you label yourself? A: I m a man not a grocery item.
Q: Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently own? A: Adidas, Lee Cooper and a local shoe company from Agra.
Q: Bright or Dark Room?
A: Dark obviously, “jai tamraj kilvish” Q: What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
A: well both of tham are a gr8 peepal and I wanna to make frndships wid them …
Q: What does your watch look like? A: skin colored, with hairs on it …Oh Damn! I forgot to wear my watch
Q: What were you doing at midnight last night? A: either I was watching “Life is beautiful” or I was watching …. Ammm.. nothing … I was watching nothing …
Q: What did your last text message you received on your cell say? A: Arz kiya hai ….
Agar aapki shakal gadhe se milti hai,
agar aapki shakal gade se milti hai…
To ismain gadhe ki kya galti hai …
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Why am I friends with these people
Q: What’s a word that you say a lot? A: Well, I donno …
Q: Who told you he/she loved you last? (please exclude spouse , family, children) A: A close friend
Q: Last furry thing you touched? A: no way I m answering that …
Q: Favorite age you have been so far? A: call-age … I mean college
Q: What was the last thing you said to someone? A: “hello neighbor”, to my colleague
Q: The last song you listened to? A: Ayo Technology – milow
Q: Where did you live in 1987? A: in a house made of bricks and cement.
Q: Are you jealous of anyone? A: Yes, and its Sam Anderson, I wish I could look like him, walk like him, dance like him just be like him.
Q: Is anyone jealous of you?
A: How would I know?
Q: Name three things that you have on you at all times? A: A mobile with most annoying ringtone, A wallet with stuff stuffed much more than its capacity and fresh futta (PJ) in mind.
Q: What’s your favorite town/city? A:townies at felicity
Q: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? A: 6th September, 2005.
Q: Can you change the oil on a car? A: Sure I can… BTW … car is the one with four wheels right ?
Q: Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? A: She’s very busy.
Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now? A: yeh, my knee…probably coz, I’ve been thinking a lot writing this post.
Q: What is your current desktop picture? A: My Idol, Dr. Evil’s
Q: Have you been burnt by love? A: I’ve been burnt, but I wouldn’t call that love.
nothin... much 
they said …