40 questions

1. My uncle once: made me attend Asha Ram Bapu’s Pravachan, It turned out to be much painful then digging up the ground and hiding his body in the backyard ….

2. Never in my life: I’ve lied . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . After 4 pegs of Scotch.

3.When I was five: I used to believe kids are born when you marry a girl and hug her.

4.High School was: full of teenage stupidity, wish i’ve not been the sane one around.

5.I will never forget: the time I told some one that i bought chocolates for her, because they were lying in my house and I had to finish them …. aaargh …. isstoopid …

6.I once met: my doppelganger, later realized that I was drunk and was looking at a mirror.

7. There’s this girl I know who: is a big movie star, unfortunately she don’t know me 😦

8. Once, at a bar: i saw a guy with no hands drinking. Later I realized it was dark, he was black …. and I m racist 😀

9. By noon, I’m usually: in office, tweeting or writing such random posts.

10. Last night: will not be “last night” tomorrow.

11. If only I had: the address of stacy’s house ….

parental guidance adviced … 😉

12. Next time I go to the Temple: I promise not to steal shoes and sandals, unless of-course they are new and branded.

13. Rakhi Sawant: Is the best (RS) thing that has happened to the Indian Television since Ramanand Sagar.

14. What worries me most: is the condition of poor, hungry, and undernourished kids in Northern Africa and models in North America.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: a laptop, a desktop, a palmtop and a cyborg living in harmony.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: A so called white board, which has run out space to accumulate any more black, blue, green or red ink marks.

17. You know I’m lying when: when I can see the fan, without turning my head up.

18. What I miss most about the nineties: mile sur mera tumahra, was shorter and better.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: langada tyagi bahubali …. (Othello –> Omkaara 😀 )

20. By this time next year: I’ll be at the same place, writing same shit over and over again.

21. A better name for me would be: shri shri 1008 ankiteshwar maharaj

22. I have a hard time understanding: things I don’t really understand.

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: beat up that fat bully from class 3rd and buy infinite many flag candies and won’t share it with any one.

24. You know I like you if: I try and ignore you or say stupid thing out of nervousness.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: the person who made sure Kanye West is not around.

26. Sachin Tendulkar, Mozart, Sonia Gandhi & Ronaldo: none of them, it has be Dada Kondake for making such master piece…

27.Take my advice, never: be a straight man in a gay world.

28. My ideal breakfast is: human brainz

29. A song I love, but do not own is: yaaron maine panga le liye – Altaf Raja

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: not to mention my current location to certain people

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: microchips with salsa sauce

32. Why won’t people: leave Britney spears alone ?

33.If you spend the night at my house: you’ll be awarded with this …

34. I’d stop my wedding for: Any gal hotter than the one I would be marrying 😛

35. The world could do without: Gracy Singh, no no, not because she was the boring side kick in Munna bhai MBBS and Lagan or because she could only weep properly in her TV series Amanat.  But coz of the mere fact that she couldn’t  even come close to the awe-fucking-someness of Kamal khan in Deshdrohi …

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: buying the ticket to watch “My Name is Khan”

37. My favorite blonde is: Blondes are dumb … i not like dumb … i favorite brunet … they have big B’s …  brains i mean ee haa … !!

38: Paper clips are more useful than: The breaking news updates from India TV, Aaj tak  and Star News combined.

39. If I do anything well, it’s: definitely not me…

40. And by the way: I’ve successfully wasted your 20 min. And you will never get it back …. and here i present you with my sadistic laughter muhahaha  muhahaha !!

PS :- Another tag shamelessly lifted from here.

PS :– stole some pics from here and here.

PS :— Of course its a tag post … so i’ve to tag fellow blogger … i tag –> Laaf@life, ORB, Ayesha , Shark , sultan , abhishek , Pankaj and of-course all other readers … of this blog 🙂

PS :—- yu ki note karne vaali baat yeh hai, ki maine un sabko tag kiya hai jinke comments mujhe history main dikhe … individual blog links search karna is such a pain 😀

let there be light on thy chat window

This is precise and unedited chat I had with one of my friend. And I think I was almost successful in annoying her to the extent she stopped replying (As she is well know for her skill of never giving up in an argument).

Her: have u sent me the invitation?

was it you

?

.

me: who knows ..

does that matter …

.

Her: hmmm

.

me: every thing around u is not indestructible …

.

Her: just like that i asked

😮

x-(

.

me: life is too short to ask such question

lets analyze what have we achieved in our life …

.

Her: (punch)

.

me: pointing fingers is easy …

.

Her: waaaaaaaaaaat

wat happened

who did that?

.

me: but remrmber when you point a finger at some one …

ther other three point at you

.

Her: wat happened?

😮

when did i point

??

x-(

have u gone crazy/

.

me: thats what appears to the whole world

the truth is …. i’ve realized …

i’ve realized the reason of life ..

there is not point in living this material life ..

.

Her: have u gone nute?

nuts*

.

me: who cares bout nuts … or butters .. or cakes…

its all just pleasure for some seconds …

and then its gone ..

its your soul which remains with you …

after all …

.

Her: (whew)

God save Ankit

.

me: not only me… god saves every one. .

even those who have devilish intentions …

he is watching each and every one of us

.

Her: Plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

for God sake

instead of crazy

.

me: may lord shower his blessings on you

.

Her: plzzzz

now stoppp

.

me: the power of one .. is still unknown to the world ..

so they ignore him ..

or fear him ..

.

Her: x-(

.

me: don’t be afraid my child …

.

Her: i am not ur child

😮

.

me: he has the gentle hand of all … he wont hit you .. .only pat you …

.

Her: 😛

.

me: with his kindness

.

Her: (whew)

.

me: god bless you my child …. god bless you

And the child was gone  ….

How to be a Road side Romeo for dummies – 2

Part -1

If you think lines like “eh chalti kya”, “jhakaas maal”, “haai! Dil per churiyan chala di”, “palat” and cheap whistling will help you creep out the women and satisfy your sadistic needs … then you have reached the 90’s but you are definitely not prepared enough for the female of 21^st century.

Here is the next chapter of …  Eveteasersdaily #1 bestseller

How to be a successful 21^st century Road side Romeo

For Dummies

Testimonial from Pups (formely – pappu katori)

–          There was the time when mothers used to tell their daughters not to take tedi gali because that’s where pappu katori roam. I had the power to nauseate female from 15 to 50, oh! Those were the golden days. Well things changed and I kind of started losing my charm. Female were less afraid of me, they even stopped making disgusted faces on my comments. But I lost it when they started laughing calling me uncle. I went into depression; it took me 2 years and this awesome book to recover from there. And now I m back baby!! Better than before, now I know where I went wrong … all the hidden secrets of laundiyabaazi, oops sorry the art of eve teasing are here, in this one greatest ever book. There are thousands of humiliated people like me out there, who just can no longer stand the shame of not living up to the mark of our ancestors.

STEP 3: Body Language:

Yes! The body speaks, and much much louder than the (de)silencer of your bike.

1. Learn to pull your belly in and hold it right there … you don’t want to look like some uncle with tummy suspending out of the pant, do you?
2. Spread your chest holding the breath*, as wide as you can. Big hairy chest is an asset very few are blessed with. If you are the one exploit it as much as you can.
3. Make sure your hands do not touch your body while walking, keep your arms 4 inch away from torso and swing them mechanically synchronized with your legs. That’s how manly man walks.
4. Never sit on the rider’s seat while driving the bike, stretch your body move back as much as possible. It’s really important to give the sporty look, doesn’t matter if you have a third class 100 cc bike. And don’t worry about the back pain, u are not going to live long enough for that.
5. If you are in a restaurant, always … put your right leg on the couch or the chair, keep your right hand on it, and keep waving it while talking, don’t forget to eye the girl on the other table.

STEP 4: Mouth Language:

Expressing your evil intensions to the victim is not as easy as it may seem to others. It demands lot hard work and months of practice. Here, I’ll explain how to improve your language skills…

1. I would strongly suggest you to go through the Dictionary of RSR Words like “Dude”, ”Kool”, ”Hot”, “Chick”, “Man”, “Yo”, “sexy”, “babe”, are   the keywords you have learn by heart.

Use random combinations of these words and viola, you are and English genius.

Example:

• Yo dude, you chick look so hot.
• Hey, sexy mama I m kool man.
• The cool Daddy is here sexy hot babe.

2. Slangs are the soul of RSR language. As per the old legends, an RSR who fails to construct his sentence without even a single slang dies the death of a middle class government servant.

But times have changed … you  are no more a sadak chaap mawaali you are well-versed RSR. So, no more maa-ki aur bhen-ki, go international crossing South Park, do it the gangsta style. Like:  BEEP, BEEEEP, BEEPBEEP, BEEEEEEEEEEP, BEEEP, BEEP BEEP BEEP …

(Note:  this portion has been censored to protect the innocence)

3. And if you are dumb (as in 95% of the cases), your cheap Chinese hyper loud mobile can come handy. Beware, don’t put cheap desi (read bhojpuri) songs like “hamka hau chaahi”, “meri chatari ke neeche aaja” “jaalidaar kurti” etc. Not because they are cheap and disgusting, coz that’s what you are, it’s just that these are uncool and surprisingly not irritating enough.

Reshamiya’s meticulously creepy melodies iced with his nasal effects are strongly recommended, it works like a charm.

That’s all for now my lovely dirty students, in the next session,

We’ll be learning the tricks and ways how to locate your prey,

And how to save your ass if it turns out to be gay .

—–

—–

PS:- Took me just just 8 months and 9 days to write the sequel post to the other one.

PS: – The pic is copyright of yashraj films.

F.A.QU

I was tagged by Karan and Ayesha, btw thanks a lot for the tag … one of the most fun tag I got to do in long time.

So, here goes …

Q: When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
A: If I were a woman, I’ll definitely marry this handsome … 😛

Q: How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
A: Rs. 2264.5

Q: What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
A: bhor भोर (morning)

Q: Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
A: some named 04066977450

Q: What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
A: Which ever freaks out my colleagues more.

Q: What are you wearing right now?
A: Formal shirt, blue jeans, sport shoes, white vest, brown underwear and a grin on my face after grossing you out.

Q: Do you label yourself?
A: I m a man not a grocery item.

Q: Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently own?
A: Adidas, Lee Cooper and a local shoe company from Agra.

Q: Bright or Dark Room?

A: Dark obviously, “jai tamraj kilvish”
Q: What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

A: well both of tham are a gr8 peepal and I wanna to make frndships wid them …

Q: What does your watch look like?
A: skin colored, with hairs on it …Oh Damn! I forgot to wear my watch

Q: What were you doing at midnight last night?
A: either I was watching “Life is beautiful” or I was watching …. Ammm.. nothing …  I was watching nothing …

Q: What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
A: Arz kiya hai ….

Agar aapki shakal gadhe se milti hai,

agar aapki shakal gade se milti hai…

To ismain gadhe ki kya galti hai …

.

Why am I friends with these people

Q: What’s a word that you say a lot?
A: Well, I donno …

Q: Who told you he/she loved you last? (please exclude spouse , family, children)
A: A close friend

Q: Last furry thing you touched?
A: no way I m answering that …

Q: Favorite age you have been so far?
A: call-age … I mean college

Q: What was the last thing you said to someone?
A: “hello neighbor”, to my colleague

Q: The last song you listened to?
A: Ayo Technology – milow

Q: Where did you live in 1987?
A: in a house made of bricks and cement.

Q: Are you jealous of anyone?
A: Yes, and its Sam Anderson, I wish I could look like him, walk like him, dance like him just be like him.

Q: Is anyone jealous of you?

A: How would I know?

Q: Name three things that you have on you at all times?
A: A mobile with most annoying ringtone, A wallet with stuff stuffed much more than its capacity and fresh futta (PJ) in mind.

Q: What’s your favorite town/city?
A: townies at felicity

Q: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
A: 6^th September, 2005.

Q: Can you change the oil on a car?
A: Sure I can…   BTW … car is the one with four wheels right ?

Q: Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
A: She’s very busy.

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: yeh, my knee…probably coz, I’ve been thinking a lot writing this post.

Q: What is your current desktop picture?
A: My Idol, Dr. Evil’s

Q: Have you been burnt by love?
A: I’ve been burnt, but I wouldn’t call that love.

.

.

ok its my turn now pass on the tag … so I tag,

.

Sultan of samarkand long time no post…

Vani serious or hilarious

Kido I really want to see your take on it

sica Stop hibernating … and post some thing

and every one else who have not been tagged….

Asking Google

Just asking google what kind of questions Indian net surfers ask it…

1. Why ?

obvious … recession or not … MBA is THE big thing in India …

2. Who ?

maximum searched question after “who india”(what kind of question is it anyway) is “who am i?” that make sense ask the damn machine… human brain is busy watching the TV series like rodies … which apparently is also among the suggestions …

3. Which ?

And the rodies fever continues … definitely who got slapped by certain clown in some shitty reality show is definitely worth finding out…

4. Where ?

And people are looking for …  either god or ramalinga raju …

5. When ?

I have a feeling, for indian IT junta probably google is an alternative for the future predicting baba … where is god, when will i get married, when will i die …

6. What ?

Asking internet using internet … what is internet … naaice

7. How ?

How to get pregnant … srsly dude … ?

PS:- Trying hard to increase my blogging frequency ….

PS:– BTW shifted to Indira Nagar, Gachbowli …

PS:— Now looking for a roommate …

PS:—- Eligibility criteria … should be some one i know … 😀

The Lemonade Blog Award

The Rules

1. Thank the person who was so thoughtful for giving you this award by linking their blog to this post.

2. Put the logo on your blog or post.

3. Nominate 10 blogs which show great attitude/gratitude.

4. Link your nominees to your post.

5. Comment them to tell them about the award they’ve won.

Thanks a lot Ayesha, for giving me my first blog award… vaise bhi, i love lemonade, any time I choose it over softdrinks …

Although I am too lazy and too selfish to pass on this award to any one …so, I’ll keep it for myself …

well on a second thought … I’ll dedicate this award to the graduating blogger batch of IIIT (hyphen) H. I hope the same blogging entu after the college …

PS: – Thanks you… thank you all for this gesture … 😉

meetingraph

After 200 meeting and 400 pages full of doodling, i can safely say … it’s proved …

Assuming, the subject(attendee) isn’t allowed to sleep, and is always equipped with a pen and paper in every meeting.

PS:- after fifty day long pause … i m back baby yeh … (Austin style)

PS:– It has happened first time in 3 full year life span of this blog … a full month with out a single post.

Orkut’s Worst 5 pickup lines !!

It’s been almost 3.5  years since i’ve joined Orkut (a social networking site). I found almost all my long lost friends there. But this post is not about thanking Mr. Orkut Büyükkökten, although I m thankful to him :D.

 

Orkut has served as a great dwelling place for all the cyber Romeos. And as always some are smart, some are lame … but to make it to the worst 5 u got be the lamest …

 

Well here are the worse 5 I came across…

 

 

At No. 5 we have

Mr. Kunal

 

hi poooooooooo mujhse dosti karogi?
aap soch rahi hongi ki aap to mujhe

janti bhi nahin hain phir mujhse dosti

kaise karengi?
Koi baat nahin , jab hum is duniya

mein aate hain to kisi ko nahin jante,

par jaise jaise bade hote hain waise

waise naye naye rishte aur dost bante

jate hain, hai na , am i right?
aur jab tak kisi se dosti nahi karogi tab

tak use janoge kaise?

Dosti karogi na?
Is it possible or Impossible?

Don’t say impossible bcause the wrd

impossible says itself that
I M POSSIBLE.
am i right…………..

(yawn!!  Is that a pick up line or pickup passage?)

.

.

 

 

 

No. 4

Mr. Kabir

 

 

Hello, mam

We have not met, but I m sure u are very beautyfull as your pic.

And aapak nature bhi bahut accha hoga.

Pata tab chalega Jab main aapse miloonga,

Miloonga tab jab dosti hogi …

So, make my friend.

(And this was a testimonial)

.

.

 

 

No. 3

Mr. Ranjeet

 

hiiiiiiii
im frm idgah hills
can we guys b gud frndz

(Dude it’s a gal … you are a guy … come on  focus)

 

 

 

No. 2

Rajesh

 

dude you look so sweet 

can we make franz

(Now you are killing me !! dude –> guy  ….. no gal … “Gee you  why”  guy)

(And the second line … don’t get me started on that …!)

 

And now,

 

 

No. 1

every 3^rd Romeo

 

Hi, I wanna to make friendships with you.

(Yes!! finally you said it … i m sure all the ladies are dying to read those golden words)

 

 

Congratulations to all the winners … n I’ll be back soon with worst 5 punch lines of hi5. Till then keep checking this space.

 

 

PS :- Thought of linking to their profiles, but that would be a little too much i guess.

PS :– Will be out to Bangalooru from 25-28th … 

PS :— 2009 is here …. god … its almost the end of another decade.

PS :—- if u have not already then plz go n read this one … my stomach is still paining because of the uncontrolled laughing. 

PS :—– Any one know bout an in budget newyear party ?? 

PS :—– Ok Baai !! 

The Grassy BC … !!

You must have come across this old saying ….

Grass is always greener on the other side

Well, Few weeks ago, our very own  Hah!B33t had this status msg ….

the greenness of grass g(x) = a(x-t)^2, x being the absolute distance of the grass from the observer, t being the threshold for the ‘other side’, a is a positive constant

And it triggered the other’s status message updates …

ankit.iiit : where xactly is this other side… ? towards the left, right, front or back ?

sbadrinath : Why are we so obsessed with the bloody grass anyway?  Why dont we talk about how watery the lake is or how cloudy the clouds are?

sankalp.mulye : ♫ How does the greenness matter if you are going to smoke it away?

akash.iiit : duniya ki saari ghaas ek jhopde mein…..

jaiswal.ankur : ass and gr”ass” cant be friends

n finally

supreeth.achar :  Stay off the grass.

PS: – well this wasn’t an intresting post …. but was dying to post someting.

PS: — This is must check for Alonso fans.

PS: — Found this great link … rmr those days of early 90’s.

PS : —- And this is some good shit…

PS: —– song of the week — haule haule ho jaayega pyaar from Rab ne bandi jodi.

PS: —— please send an email to me… if u find my creativity some where :(.

PS: ——- Before i leave, a public announcment … lyf after job is better then lyf after death (just coz i’ve not seen it ).

Do You Care about The Heavenly Air

Disclaimer: This Post and any information enclosed within the post contain explicit and/or gawky information Parental Guidance is advised.

So why did I choose such topic?

Since ages human flatulence in public is regarded as embarrassing and is generally considered to be an unfortunate occurrence. People will often strain to hold in the passing of gas when in polite company, or position themselves to conceal the noise and scent. I mean it’s a common phenomena, even coughing is less frequent then this. I believe as a responsible member of the society it’s my duty to enlighten the people with its importance and eradicate the misconceptions they have.

Let’s start with a quick definition …

Break wind, flatus, and flatulence or as we all know it “FART”, is a common phenomena of expelling a mixture of gases in the digestive tract of mammals from the rectum.

As it is evident here… Farting is a common phenomenon … and if u don’t do it … then u must see a doctor, coz there is something seriously wrong with you.

Misconceptions: –

There are so many misconceptions about it … the freakiest one is “It causing green house effect”

Yeh! Flatulence is often blamed as a significant source of greenhouse gases owing to the erroneous belief that the methane released by livestock is in the flatus. While livestock account for around 20% of global methane emissions, 90-95% of that is released by exhaling or burping. This means only 1–2% of global methane emissions come from livestock flatus.

Women fart less than men…

Totally wrong! There could be variation among individuals in the amount of gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.

It is burp coming from wrong opening

Ridiculous, both of them have different chemical composition … most of the fart content is result of anaerobic process while for burp it is of aerobic.

And there are so many of them …

(Note = People fart while sleeping and when dead too. )

Career: –

There have been people who actually made art out of it and earned name and lot of money. One such notable personality was Mr. Methane a popular British flautist. Flautists have the ability to control its velocity, strength and so sound. They have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.

If u can’t do that … no worries … you can open a shop for all FART related products … like … fartmart.com, f4rt.com and fart.com.

Still no luck, lack of money …. Well you can show your creativity with a book on it … There have been so many bestselling books … special mention to The Gas We Pass by Shinta Cho, sold over 2 million copies by 2003. Then there is Who Cut the Cheese? and so many …

My observations: –

The worst thing you can do in a meeting room full of mortals and with only source of fresh air being the AC is loud thundering earthshaking fart.

The best thing you can do in a meeting room full of mortals and with only source of fresh air being the AC is intolerable life threatening fart with silencer.

Now in the first scenario it’s fun to be the other person and look the face of the poor soul who just realized that what he has done.

In the second scenario it’s fun to be the first person felicitating on your narrow escape and proudly looking at changing expression on other’s faces.

smell * sound = energy of fart (constant)

energy of fart = f(person, grub)

That’s why a good man do is silently but a wise man does it loudly and proudly.

Also, The effort involved in retaining flatus can cause hemorrhoids and stomach ache. And sometimes something much more horrible …

Even,

Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people’s health.

Hence,

Better to fart and bear the shame,
than hold the fart and bear the pain!

This was me … what bout you … ??

Do you care ? about the heavenly air ?

PS: – It has been one very shitty but informative post …

PS: — I seriously thank the faculty of IIIT to come up with owl and lark concept.

PS: — Going Chennai this 12^th.

PS: —- Discovery of the weekend – Ankur Jaiswal makes really good paranthas.

PS: —– Song of the week – viva-la-vida by coldplay.

PS: —— Next post … recipe of aalu ki sabzi and aalu pyaz ke paranthe.